Top tips to dating Vampires (and maybe other-worldly creatures)

So… *curls my mustache sleazily*
You’re about to go on a date with a coffin-dwelling, platelet-loving, hemoglobin-manic creeper who will watch you sleep at night from the tree outside your window?

Well, girlfriend.. or boyfriend, as an afterthought, if you must then, read on.

It won’t be easy, it will be scary and maybe dangerous even. So you’ve been warned!

I honestly don’t know why you would find a vampire attractive. I still prefer the furry warm bloods.. what are they called again? Oh yes. Werewolves. Sorry, was busy combing one of them. They’re a whole lot easier to be friends with. I mean, when i talk to them, they actually respond and not start staring broodingly at me. I also get to braid their fur. Perfect bonding experience.. Mealtimes are flexible and we can share food together (which is important to me)

Anyway, i’m a little busy today so i’ll just give you the tips and float away ok. I have lots of business dealings with other creature friends, then some werewolves need to be adopted and there’s so many forms to draft up for them, and there’s this banshee outside who keeps wailing and wouldn’t stop because  she wants to get the DIY intense treatment recipe i did for my hair the other day. So, basically, many things to do but i’m choosing to be giving you dating advise instead. Don’t come knocking on my door asking why you still got bitten and ended up dead instead of waking up all fanged-up, sparkly and fabulous.

So you see, i guess the fact he’s asking you out on a date, it means he likes you enough to not start having a nibble on you. But don’t be lead to a false sense of security! Still be on your guard because you know how there’s always reports of murders and missing people.. Ok. I won’t worry you. It’s all good. It’ll be a good date ok? *pats you on the back reassuringly*

Tip 1: Always Keep Calm.

Why? Because if you simply met him up right after gym, and your pulse is still racing and you’re all pumped up. Instead of calling you “my love”, you’ll be “my lunch”. It’s a known fact that they love the scent of adrenaline and fear. If you want to keep him interested for more than a few seconds before he drains you dry, then, be nice and courteous. Instead of presenting yourself like a steak, take an hour to calm yourself, nerves, listen to some nice music, and try not to do anything that will make your blood pump too much. If possible, try not to pump any blood at all.

Tip 2: Dress Demure & classy.

All that cleavage and legs? is just going to make him nauseous. He’s a classy one. He’s not looking for a hooker. He is definitely rich enough to have a constant supply of hookers for thousands of years more if he wants.. but he’s not. He’s out, on a date, with you. Not a hooker.

Tip 3: Keep Underwhelmed.

He’s lived so many thousands of years. He’s seen everything. Been with everyone and manipulated them (the jerk..) All different types of girls he’s seen. Of course, all of them beautiful.. which doesn’t really cheer you up now you think of it, right? Well. You’re beautiful too which is why he’s on a date with you! But it takes more than being *just* beautiful ok, my dear airhead. I’ve heard so many girls asking me what else do they need to do. You *must* appear underwhelmed. Like you’re not impressed with his possessions, like that yacht he took you up on? You tell him that you’ve seen better yachts girlfriend. His countless Mont Blanc pens and watches? His shiny Jaguar? Never show that you are overwhelmed no matter how much you feel like bursting with impression.

If you know you’re gonna start wanting to show any sign you’re impressed, lunge at him and bite his arm. When he looks questioningly at you, tell him you’re just practicing for when you become a vampire yourself later.

Tip 4: Read up & brush up on topics.
I am not surprised when i told some of my clients that one of the important things is to start heading to the library and read up on stuff so as to be able to create conversation. I am sure this applies to humans too. You have no idea how much they protested and asked me if there were other ways. Well, not really..Heck, it applies to cats as well. If i can’t meow, or swish my ponytail, he’s not speaking to me. So i am quite learned in the esoteric. Anyway, go pick up books on ancient Egypt, or even witchcraft and it’s history since he was probably there when they started burning witches in Salem. I don’t know, get creative on the topics.

Tip 5: Be chaste on the first date.

You know how when mothers tell you to beware of strangers? Its the same with vampires. Keep a distance, since you’re still not sure if he wants to take you for dinner or have you for dinner. It’s kind of a thin line. Especially when in the letter (yes, goodness. He still writes letters, that is so 18th century and old school of him) he says he wants to have dinner together. Knowing his food preference.. Nonetheless, try to keep his hands off your knee… or his knee off your neck actually.

If you’re exhausted after reading this list, then i am telling you, vampires are tough creatures and you’ve got to hold his interest.. more than his interest for your AB+ blood type. But i guess if he’s being all gentlemanly and nice to you, then, that’s a sign he sort of likes you as a person rather than a particularly interesting category in his food group.

I wish you good luck!

Now i really have to get back to the office and start attending to all my paperwork. Anyone keen on adopting werewolves? Please get in touch.

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