exploring this camera app..
The Boy and i went to the beach today, i thought it was going to be a small mini break, and it sort of was, for which i am pleased.
At the beach, i was watching this small family which sort of resembled mine when i was small and when we still went to beaches and stuff. It was always the four of us, the Tiger, , Myst_exile and me, King of the House never opted in, almost non-existent & phantom-like preferring instead, to drive us there and leave, only coming to pick us up again in the evening. I was about four or five, when the Tiger would wear roomy blouses and swim with me, i remember once when she mentioned that she saw little fishes but didn't want to tell me in case i freaked out. I really felt bummed out then. I wanted to see little fishy. There was a time when we went for picnics all the time, okay. maybe not all the time, but often enough for me to remember. And then as i grew older, not too old, still very young, but very much aware, we stopped going to beaches altogether. My bucket and spade sat in the dark, musty junkyard of a room, at the very bottom of my toy box, unused. Soon, it was thrown away.
Watching the family made me ache inwardly, for something i couldn't have anymore. It made me wistful, really.
They looked so happy and all i could do was smile watching them. That little girl was me.
Have you ever felt so disappointed about something and you know it wouldn't go away?
Everyday i see things, not material things, rather, non-tangible things that i know i don't have. And can't have, other people want iPhones, or laptops, new shoes, Prada bags or whatever the fuck it is that they want material-wise, but i, i just feel really, really, really sad. The feeling so deep from the pits of my stomach that when it hits me suddenly when i'm on the move, it makes me feel like doubling over, and i just can't breathe.
But i shall just count my blessings and smile.