spam email = free creative writing “lessons”

hehehehe! fav picture.

okay anyway. yesternight before sleeping i checked my emails and not-so shockingly there were like 1079 messages so i started deleting them in bulk..

then i started checking my junk emails. (normally i don't because they'll auto-clear out right? so i didn't know what to expect)

i'm gonna tell you right now that i am SO gonna pay attention to junk emails nowadays because they can be so freakin' creative!
this is creative writing at its peak! i swear…
i was actually delighted to be reading some of them, two were very original in my opinion (lol), unlike the rest (which were screaming at me with subject headers like.. )

"LOTTO MAX LOTTERY CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE WON!!!!!" and..
"YOU HAVE WON 80,000,000 BRITISH POUNDS!!!!"

another one was

"**SPAM** Dear Congratulation!!!!" — oh-kaaay. wait, you just warned me that you're a spam message. did you just … called me… "Congratulation"??? hang on abit, its congratulationS. with an S at the back. geez. i mean, the least you could do if you wanna spam people (apart from warning them that you're a spam btw.. which is so.. redundant, i mean, then the person wouldn't have looked at your hard work right?? urghhh do i have to teach everything here? *rubs temples*), the least you could do is check your spelling. and my name is Asfa. i don't know anybody with the name Congratulation. 

you, as a spammer, just failed. -.- i'm so disappointed.

now i'm gonna talk about the two VERY creative ones which i liked very much!

(good try spammers.. good try… good story, lots of content, word count is enough, not too little, not too much, overall originality is 9 out of 10.)

and the nominees are…. *drum rolls*

  • Prince Fayad S. Bolkiah 
    Subject title: YOUR CONCERN
    Content/story summary: 

    "Dear Friend,

    As-Salamu Alaykum

    I got your reliable contact from a business diary and further explicit
    investment information about your country. I am Prince Fayad S. Bolkiah,
    the eldest son of Prince Jefri Bolkiah, former Finance Minister of Brunei,
    the tiny oil-rich sultanate on the Gulf Island. I will save your time by
    not amplifying my extended royal family history, which has already been
    disseminated by the international media during the controversial dispute
    that erupted between my Father and his step brother, the sultan of Brunei
    Sheik Muda Hassanal Bolkiah.

    As you may know from the international media, the sultan had accused my
    father of financial mismanagement and impropriety of US$14.8 Billion
    dollars. This was as a result of the Asian financial crisis that made my
    father's company Amedeo Development Company and government owned Brunei
    Investment Company to be declared bankrupt during his tenure in office.
    However my father was kept under house arrest, his bank accounts and
    private Properties including a crude oil export refinery were later
    confiscated by the sultanate.

    Furthermore during this unfortunate period, I was advised to evacuate my
    immediate family outside the sultanate to avoid further prosecution from
    the sultan and his security operatives, but before I could do that I was
    placed under house arrest by the Sultan and have no access to a phone but
    I have a Palm hand-held computer from which I am sending you this mail.
    Some of the guard here are still loyal to me, so they would be my contact
    with you if there is any document I need to send to you to enable you
    collect the boxes of money on my behalf.

    Before my incarceration, I went ahead to dispatch the sum of Five Hundred
    Million United States Dollars in cash under special arrangement into the
    custody of different private security and Trustee companies for safe
    keeping abroad. Just like an unspecified amount of money Sadam Hussein
    took out of Iraq in cash.

    The money was splited and kept in the following countries in this
    proportion: Two Hundred Million is in Spain, One hundred and Fifty Million
    is in United Arab Emirate and another One Hundred and fifty Million is in
    United Kingdom. Hence I seek your good assistance to invest these funds
    into profitable investment in your country to facilitate future survival
    for my family abroad. After due deliberation with my aids we have decided
    to offer 25% of these funds to you as compensation for your strong
    cooperation while 5% have been mapped out for both local and international
    expenses that may be incurred during this transaction.

    Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust
    while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of
    this business transaction. You may contact me so that i will let you know
    the next thing to do. Many Thanks and may Allah's blessing remain with you.Please
    reply to this mail box:fayadbolkia@gmail.com

    Best Regards
    Prince Fayad S. Bolkiah.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Jefri_Bolkiah"

fancy that! why would a PRINCE have my email from any business diary eh? ^_^ i should be flattered. NOT. but i liked his story. very detailed and original. well, sorry Prince. can't help you with whatever. do you mind though telling me who wrote this story?? its brilliant. might wanna send him flowers.. he's probably a very big fan of the royal family to weave such details in there. brilliant! just brilliant! *applause*

you probably scored an A in all your essays and now you ghost write spam emails. mummy must be proud.

second nominee goes to! *drum rolls*

  • Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
    Subject title: Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)!! << — notice the added two exclamation marks, just incase you don't believe them eh..
    content/story:

    "Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
    Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
    Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
    J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
    Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
    Office Hours Monday to Saturday:
    Dear Beneficiary,

    Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00 due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

    The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Good luck Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes. Now how would you like to receive your payment? Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

    ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2014. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

    Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via UPS. Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285 So if you pay before the three weeks 2011 you save $285 Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 24hrs after the receipt of payment has been confirmed." etc.. (there's more)

and the winner goes to…….

i don't know. you decide.

look, another applause for their efforts right.
time to eat! ❤

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