an emo post

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. belated anyway.

first first — i feel bad for Sara (she’s broke).. bcos of her & Asra, my new bag, new shoes, new dvd player was made a dream come true & possible! thank you Sara, luv luv you. ^^

i also extremely miss my secondary school babes..
the usual members.. especially lizah, astika, adilah, sufiyana, kyn & these are the girls that made my secondary school life tolerable.. fun-filled & crazy.

i miss having friends like these..
to lizah & adilah..
u were the 2 i most relied on & were closest to..
adilah, i miss the stupid videos we made of ourselves.. damn random.
but it was so fun & recalling the “filming” makes me laugh with tears in my eyes bcos of happiness that i did smtg like that with you (im glad i did, cos i reli like being silly & it was memorable.) it also makes me sad because remembering the past we had which we wont be having anymore.

i also remembered the oath we made about to still keep in contact no matter what happens.
im sorry it wasnt fulfilled. ):

i miss going to lizah’s house & fooling around. obviously doing silly things. making prank calls. making videos (lol. everywhere). dining at her place. watching horror dvds like Entity, or Pondok Indah & then huddling against each other getting scared.

i miss making fun of Pondok Indah’s characters like Pak Tio & Mimin (you noe what..)
i miss going home together & lepaking under void decks, gossiping.
making fun of ppl we detest like it used to be Syakilla the sunrise girl & etc. (gawd. im still laughing even when i think bout it)

i miss doing detentions with u, going late to school with you & getting into trouble (cos heck, we were separated in class due to that, we keep laughing 2gdr)

our jokes were so original & thats something we shared exclusively.

& then during sec 3 we were separated into different classes.. & i got closest to..

Lizah was my partner in class.
she was trustable.
honest.
loyal.
fun. intelligent & silly.
she was smarter in maths than me & i, in english than her.

i also wanna say im sorry for my selfishness towards you during sec 1 & 2 days.
i cant believe i was such a horrid person..
i still feel guilty everytime i think bout it.
but sec 3 & 4 wasnt enough to cover the damages of a lifetime (in my opinion)
(i was horrid to adilah too in sec 1 & 2.. i dunno wats wrong w me during those times.. -_-“)

& then we 3 became firm friends..
arguments & quarrels often separated those 2. but they got back 2gdr.
but now, they’re no more friends.. ): & i really wanna do something bout it.

i miss eating fish/chicken/beef burgers with you during recess times & sitting at the staircase beside the canteen.
i miss bringing food for you (nasi sambal goreng/nasi lemak)

because now i know, how much i hold them dearly to my heart.

i was very2 close to kyn, astika & sufi too.. & we had alot of fun together too.. (: sometimes joining in at lizah’s house, sufi’s house etc.
once with nabila kecik too (video to prove it)
we were very two-faced towards sunrise gal. but we’re not to be blamed.
bcos some ppl’s hearts are just naturally black. -_-“

i noe everybody says this; but i really2 wish to turn back the time if i could.
i just don’t wanna grow up.
im not ready to take on the world. alone.

i still haven’t had enough time to be childish.
i dont wanna worry about BGRs, about my future, about anything..

because… i just realize that,
after laughing, being nice to ppl, having fun & all that..
i still haven’t found any true friends except those i knew back then..
i wanna have my very own best friend.
someone who appreciates me, doesnt forget me, helps me in whatever i do, shares secrets with me only, someone who laughs together with me, someone who wants me to be their very own friend almost as close as a sister could be..

because i now know that..
everyone in my class have their very own friend, a girl whom only they trust..
except me..
i’ve always longed to be just like them..

my sisters have themselves.. but due to age gap, no matter how close we are, im still decades away..
a friend i thot was a gf.. will be a friend to me, but to her, im not really. she also doesnt realize how much she meant to me but goes after to be friends with ppl who dont noe how much mean to theyher.. it hurts.. but theres nothing i can do, try not to interfere.
lizah & adilah arent talking to each other. im busy with work, we rarely meet. Adilah & me might be awkward but i will somehow mend that damage because she’s my friend. & maybe… just maybe.. i can help them both to befriends again..

in class,
im just like a ghost floating around,
bearing no loyalty to any groups i hang out at the moment..
because im just a mere friend.

i just realize that..
i’ve brushed away those who wanted to be my friend & not treasure them properly.
i’ve never felt so lonely & unwanted before..
i never realized how lonely i am..

p/s: extraction was painful today. T_T

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